Autery Family

Warning, this is going to be kind of sad.  Can’t help it.  But I will try my best to make you laugh through those tears. 

As Adeline’s first official birthday has come and gone,  I have, of course, been running the past year through my mind.  This has been the quickest year of my life.  It has also been the most difficult, the most wonderful and the most fulfilling year of my life.  This tiny creature, (well, okay, not so tiny any more) has turned my life completely upside down and all I can think is “Of course the sofa is supposed to hang from the ceiling.  It just makes more sense that way.  I get it now.” 

I get it now.  These four words have become something of a mantra for me.  Pre-Adeline I was anti-children.  Didn’t want ‘em.  Didn’t really care for ‘em.  Where do I sign the petition for a ‘No Children’s Section’ in restaurants?  Yep.  That was me.  I thought I was too selfish to be a parent.  I looked at friends who had children, definitely noticed their absence at happy hours and spontaneous dinners and thought, “Sucks to be them.  Who would want to be stuck at home with a baby than out here having so much fun with all of my friends?”.  Turns out, I do.  I look forward to Friday nights now because that’s when I do my laundry.  And Saturday nights are movie nights at home.  And Sunday is family day.  And every time in between that is spent following Adeline around, soaking up all of her and reveling in her amazingness.  Because I get it now.  People are not crazy for having children.  They are for having like, ten of them, but one or two is not certifiable.  Having a child seems to make the world line up; everything makes sense and you finally have a purpose.  It’s to love your baby unconditionally, to raise her with good morals and a kind heart, to instill in her the values that will make her a better human being.  And then to let her go. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy me a ‘Mommy’s Night Out’ every now and again.  It’s good for me to wipe the dust off a pair of heels (sad that I mean that literally) and spend time just being me again.  I do miss the old Amber, but I really like the new one I’ve become.  She’s also skinnier, so that helps.

Being a mom has also made me realize just how much I miss mine.  This year marks the tenth year I have walked around on this earth without a mom to call, a mom to hug, a mom to make everything better.  And I thought getting married without a mom was tough.  Turns out having a baby and not having your mom there to help guide you is kind of a big deal.  There were so many questions I wanted to ask, needed to ask, didn’t even think to ask while she was still alive.  Questions about breast feeding and teething and generally how I was as a baby.  And there was Dustin’s mom right there with all of that information about Dustin (and it was so good to have at least half her DNA accounted for) and all I could do was wonder.  And kick myself for not asking when I had the chance.  But, to give myself some credit, Mom passed away when I was 23 and sooooo not even close to where I am today.  But still, the desire to call her up to talk babies makes my heart ache because she will never answer.  And my beautiful daughter will never know her Grandma Cora, other than all the crazy stories I swear I’m gonna tell her.  I know Mom is looking down on us, watching me and my family from afar.  But sometimes, that just isn’t good enough.  You’d think after ten years I’d be used to this, but let me tell you, it never gets any easier.  Mom, I hope you’re proud of me, of the woman, wife, and mother I’ve become.  Of the decisions I’ve made and the life I have carved out.  Of the way I am raising your granddaughter.  I miss you like crazy and love you to the moon and back.

For all of you out there who are thinking about having a baby or babies, do yourselves a huge favor and grill your moms.  Ask them EVERYTHING about how you were as a baby.  Call them at 2 in the morning and ask them if sore nipples run in the family, just for kicks.  And write it all down because soon your baby will be about to walk and everyone will look at you and ask you when you took your first clumsy little steps and you will have no idea.  There are pictures of you standing and you walk just fine now, so you must have started at some point.  But no time frame.  Like I said.  Tough.

One thing I was not prepared for was the constant presence of worry.  I worry a lot.  Like, All. The. Time.  And it’s not the kind of worry that people have regarding global warming or the stock market – hmmm, maybe I should be slightly more concerned about those things…ooh look, a new post on Facebok!  Wait, what?  Yeah, so I don’t worry so much about the world around me so much as I worry about the world around Adeline. 

What is she doing right now?  Who is around her?  Did I dress her in warm enough clothes?  Is she going to be too warm?  Did I remember to send the Triple Paste to day care?  When she’s in the car with Dustin, is he driving safely enough?  Do I give her enough affection?  Too much affection?  Do I read to her enough?  Does she spend too much time in her bouncy chair and not enough on the floor crawling?  Is the bath water too warm or cold?  If she getting enough to eat?  Should I be giving her more solids and less pureed foods?  She’s coughing, should I call the doctor or wait until morning to see if it clears up?  How will the time change effect her?  Am I a good mom?  Do I look like I know what I’m doing?  Where is that stinking manual that has all of the answers?

Yep.  It’s a constant stream of self-doubt.  And the second guessing.  Dear lord, I have never second guessed myself so much as I have this past year.  And just when I think my thick mommy skin has achieved that perfect level of being able to accept advice or suggestions without blowing a gasket, someone does and one of two things happens:

1.  I go all Incredible Hulk.  I get so angry and defensive and take it so personal that all I want to do is rip things apart and scream at them for daring to question my abilities as a parent because I. AM. THE. MOM. 

2. I shrivel up into a blubbering pile of unsure goo.  And I immediately start second guessing EVERYTHING.  And then I become so focused on how much I suck at being a mom and how no one should have ever even given me a child that I lose sight of the fact that I. AM. THE. MOM.

Typically both of these things happen in rapid succession.  And then Dustin’s head explodes from having to wipe my unsure goo-piles up and putting things back together.  And all is right with the world again.

My mother-in-law recently asked me if being a mom felt more natural now that I’ve done it for a year.  Yes and no.  On the one hand, now whenever I catch my reflection in the mirror holding Adeline, my first reaction isn’t, “Who’s that lady that looks like me holding a baby?”.  A bathtub without toys in it looks naked to me.  Adeline and I have completely bonded – I love my baby and I know she loves me.  But on the other hand, just when I think I’ve got this whole mom thing down, she takes off crawling for the first time.  Or pulls up on her baby gate for the first time.  Or eats an entire grilled cheese sandwich for the first time.  And then I’m all, “Wait.  What happened to my baby?”  And she’s all, “Deuces Mom, I’m gonna go pick up my friends and go see a movie!”  And then I’m all, “Hold up.  What movie?” and then it’s just a realization that time, she moves too quickly.

I’ve learned so, so much this past year.  My brains are full.  Yet everyday is another lesson, another turning point, another milestone crossed off the list.  I’ve learned that it’s okay and healthy to ask for help.  I’ve learned that you shouldn’t judge other moms, but it’s really really hard not to.  I’ve learned that you just make it work – a job, a home, a husband, a baby, a social life (a much more dialed down social life, but still) – somehow you manage to keep all of those balls in the air.  I’ve learned that Triple Paste is far superior to Desitin, a Nose Frida kicks a nasal aspirator square in the butt and not all wet wipes are created equal.  But most importantly I have learned that that thing called a maternal instinct?  Yeah, it does exist and I do have it.  And good things always happen when I actually trust it and follow it. 

This child has completely enveloped all of us in her life.  My husband and I are in constant wonder – looking at each other in amazement as this little creature takes off across the floor and makes a bee-line for any and all bad things she can get her chubby little hands on.  Every evening we marvel at how much she’s grown since that morning when we sent her off to day care.  I can’t seem to take enough photos.

So, to this next year that is already starting to pick up the pace, bring it.  Bring on the walking, the talking, the bumps and bruises, the tantrums and snuggles.  This has been one wild ride and I am so looking forward to all of the adventures ahead of us. 

Challange Accepted.

 

 

 

There is a lot that goes into planning a party that your child will never remember.  And there is a lot of pressure to make the day so, so special, because you only get one shot at the First Birthday.  And it had better be perfect.  So yeah, no pressure.

To ensure that all my friends would come to this completely ‘G-rated’ party, I decided to have it the weekend before her birthday.  I was not about to compete with St. Patty’s Day plans.  You’re welcome.

And so the theme was owls.  This was spectacular because, unless you’ve been living under a rock, you are aware that owls are everywhere.  Her nursery is owls, so I was able to use a lot of her stuff for decor.  This was great because not only did I not have to spend a ton of money on hokey decorations, but I got to incorporate her stuff throughout the party.  It seemed to make the party that much more personal, which I loved.  We had a big bowl of hairbows, another of her blocks and yet another full of her little owl toys, which made perfect table decor.  And I can’t even take credit it for this, but I wish I could because it was a great idea.  Danngit.  (Okay, I have no idea how to spell that word.  Just go with it.)